"Never tell me the odds" -- Han Solo
Why am I quoting one the greatest philosophers of our time? Or greatest philosophers from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away? Because like you, I'm sitting here at 0-4, contemplating a lot of the choices that I made during the summer. Most of them involve guys who play for the Los Angeles Chargers. I'm not going to lie to you; it's dire. Feels like it might be time to call it a season and maybe look to start a short-season knockout league. But Tristan H. Cockcroft has you covered on those.
But we're not going to do that. Quit, I mean. (We're totally doing another knockout league.) Because we are not quitters. We do not cut and run at the first moment of adversity. We're not Packers fans for crying out loud. [Cheesehead editor's note: watch it, Rank!]
Instead, we are going to use this as an opportunity to author one of the greatest fantasy football seasons of all time. Sure, it's fun to be a front-runner when your first three fantasy picks were Jahmyr Gibbs, Kenneth Walker III and Drake London. Anybody can win with that roster. The true champion will celebrate the title they won having auto-drafted Brandon Jacobs because they spilled salsa on their Arsenal kit (sorry, jersey to you Americans). That's the stuff of legends.
Which we are about to become.
It might seem optimistic to some. Maybe even delusional. That's what they told customers at the Garrett Popcorn Shops in the 1970s when they started mixing the CaramelCrisp and CheeseCorn -- which gave birth to the legendary Chicago mix. So who seems so delusional now?
Don't listen to the doubters, those naysayers who try to use things like logic, precedent and math to keep us from striving for our goals. I don't want to hear any of that. Those things are all rooted in the past. We're looking forward to the future. And I see your future! It involves the fantasy football playoffs. And all you need to to be worried about right now is getting your fantasy team to the playoffs. And it's all possible.
How?
I'm glad you asked, rhetorical reader who exists only in my mind. You'll hear a lot of people tell you to rip your roster apart. Trade your star player. Take big swings. Make a grand gesture, like you're some desperate teen looking for a date in a 1980s movie. That stuff never works. Your roster can't be that bad. I mean, I drafted De'Von Achane (never again) and Justin Herbert, so I know what a bad roster looks like. But like what some music executive reportedly said the first time he laid eyes on Mötley Crüe, "It's not much to look at, but there is stuff to work with."
The biggest thing is perspective. Don't think about being a winless team trying to win a championship. Your only concern right now is a win in Week 5. That's the only thing that matters. Because the truth is, you're not as far from the playoffs as you might believe. Forget about whoever is the current league leader, who might well be undefeated. That's not your target right now. Your target is the manager in fourth place, likely sitting there at 2-2. Which means, you're just two games off the pace. One win this week, and you could be just one game out of a playoff spot. See, we can use math in our favor, too!
Here's what we're going to do right now. Go take a good hard look at your roster. Again, we're not looking at a major overhaul. But like the decluttering algorithm on Instagram taught me, it's good to start getting rid of some of those players who are not going to do anything for you this season. Looking at you, Herbo and MarShawn Lloyd. Take a chance on the waiver wire for somebody like Will Shipley. Get the right streaming defense. (It's the Bengals. You're welcome.)
Look, you can sit here and feel sorry for yourself, wallow in your misery or you can do something about it. You can put the group chat on silent and see everybody again in August. Or you can go out fighting. I'm choosing to fight, mostly because I have rivalries with my friends that date back to Ms. Gillpin's class at Coronita Elementary. But whatever your motivation is, go find it. I believe in you!
Oh, and do you want to join a knockout league?